


Boy Trouble

by Daegaer



Category: Weiß Kreuz
Genre: Crack, Gen, Hot Springs & Onsen, Humor, Psychic Abilities, Sex Change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-07-12
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1954380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daegaer/pseuds/Daegaer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Schuldig has an unexpected development.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boy Trouble

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Unexpected genderswitch scenario in the Oh No U Didn't Challenge during the Summer 2014 Weiss vs Saiyuki battle. AU to _Japanese for Dummies_.

"Excuse me, Nagi-sensei," Crawford said, "Schuldig has a very large problem."

Nagi looked up briefly from his Nintendo. "It looked no more than average size when I saw it."

Crawford pinched the bridge of his nose. He definitely felt a headache coming on. "Not his, um, er, I mean –" He flipped through the dictionary Nagi had reluctantly allowed him to have. "His, er, pee-pee has passed away! And he has received, um –" He found the entry and sighed. "Boobies. I want an adult dictionary."

"This should be good," Nagi said. "Where is he?"

"He's made himself a mystery in his room."

"You probably mean _secreted_ ," Nagi said, "Don't think I won't mock you for that later."

They went into Schuldig's room, and found him cowering under his duvet. He covered his head and moaned pathetically, then yelled in anger when Nagi telekinetically ripped the duvet away.

"Go away and leave me alone, you bastards!" he said, in a voice much lighter in tone and higher than usual.

"Crawford said your cock fell off," Nagi said in German. "Let's have a look."

"Thanks, Brad," Schuldig snarled. "Remind me to melt your brain when I'm feeling better. Nagi, what are you – you try to stick your hand down my pants again and I'll melt _your_ brain, you little shit."

"Don't be so precious, we're all boys here," Nagi said. "Aren't we?"

"Fuck," Schuldig muttered, and stood up. "No."

Nagi strolled around him, examining him from very close quarters. Crawford thought it was probably an example of a kid getting away with stuff right in front of adults – he suspected he was right, given the way Schuldig grimaced and snapped,

"My face is _up here._ "

"Hmm," Nagi said, "Slightly different body shape overall, more body fat than before, breasts, strong child-bearing hips –

Schuldig simultaneously blanched and started with anger.

" – genitalia?"

"Standard package," Schuldig said tightly. "Just not _my_ standard package."

"Congratulations on the new direction your life has taken," Nagi said, and psychically batted away Schuldig's attempt to strangle him. "Are you feeling unusually drawn to babies, kittens or chocolate?"

"How," Schuldig said through gritted teeth, "do I change back?"

"I don't know," Nagi said. "I'll go and do some research."

He strolled out, and Schuldig collapsed down onto the bed, head in hands.

"This is all because I've had too much salad recently," he moaned. "From now on I'm only eating steak. And if you ever see me with a diet drink, I want you to slap it out of my hand."

". . . Sure thing," Crawford said, and put an awkward hand on his shoulder. "Try not to freak out."

"I'd find that easier if you weren't currently picturing me naked," Schuldig said, glaring up.

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry."

 

* * *

 

When Crawford went back into the living room, he found Nagi playing on his Nintendo again.

"Nagi! Schuldig's going crazy in there! You said you were going to research how to fix –"

"Already done." Nagi held up a hand and a brochure fluttered up to his fingers. "He visited this place last night – it's a hot spring in Roppongi, and this particular onsen is based on a spring with strange properties. It changes the bathers' sex. Very popular with drinking parties, this brochure says, also fun for foreigners' stag nights and hen parties. You're meant to bathe in the special spring again before you leave. I rang them – Schuldig left in a panic before they could explain it was temporary."

"I'm going to have to say this in German or English," Crawford said.

Nagi waved his hand like a monarch waving to the crowd. "Whichever you like," he said magnanimously.

"I've never heard such bullshit – a spring that changes your sex? Absolute bullshit."

Nagi pointed at Schuldig's door. "He knows what people are thinking, you can see into the future and I can move things with my mind."

Crawford sagged slightly. "You have a point. What now?"

"They take their customer service very seriously. We've all got free passes for this evening."

"I'm not sure we should bring Farfarello," Crawford said. "He might get overly excited, and that's never healthy." He had a brief vision of an excited and very female Farfarello, and looked ruminatively at the securely locked door. "I'm sure he's quite happy in there. We can bring him back some take-out."

 

* * *

 

It was easy to persuade Schuldig back to the onsen, once things had been explained over and over. He was so eager in the end that he skimped on scrubbing himself beforehand, and had to be sent back to the washing area twice. Finally, one after the other, the members of Schwarz stepped into the spring and sat down, soaking up its heat.

Schuldig immediately leapt up again and checked himself.

"Oh, thank _God!_ " he said, and jumped out of the water, cradling his penis in his hand. "It's back!"

"Please don't do that," Crawford said, as Schuldig cooed to his genitals and petted them. "It's really quite disturbing."

"I told you he dyed his pubes," Nagi said leaning back comfortably. "Come back in the water, Schuldig."

"Not for love or money," Schuldig said. He struck a dramatic pose. "I'm going to stand here enjoying the night air on my masculine physique."

After a couple of minutes a member of staff came up. "Sir, if you're not going to stay in the water, perhaps you'd wear this yukata? We're overlooked by windows and the neighbours prefer it."

"They don't know what they're missing," Schuldig said, graciously donning the yukata, to everyone's relief.

When they were alone again, Nagi stood up. "I think I make a cute girl," he said. "What do you think, Crawford?"

Crawford looked, and then carefully looked away. "I think there is absolutely no safe answer to that question," he said, "so I'm just going to sit here and enjoy the heat and the very odd physical sensations –"

"Tits, man," Schuldig said. "Weird, huh?"

" – and I'm going to ignore you both while I do so."

It was not, he decided, the worst way to spend an evening.


End file.
